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Well, I made it

Yes, I did make it through the week.  There were many times when I didn’t think I would, but I did.  I made it.  Instead of elation or guilt, or any other strong emotion after leaving the office Friday afternoon, I mostly just felt tired.  So I’ve been sleeping a lot this weekend, whenever the hell I want.  It’s nice.  And the natural light streaming in through the windows makes me so happy I feel ridiculous.

Went to yoga on Thursday night, and practiced Friday & today too.  I want it to be something I do every day.  I can feel my body changing already, it’s just too early to say what the change will be.  But I know it will be good.

Yesterday my sternum cracked, surprised the hell out of me.  Hurt like crazy right beforehand, chest pain out of nowhere was a little scary, and then I heard & felt it crunch into its new position.  Every bone and muscle in my body is stiff, and has been for years.  I’m finally starting to stretch myself out, and wow can I ever feel it.

Leigh & I are making appointments to go see a chiropracter next weekend.  We both really need it.

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work & yoga

Another lovely start to the day. One of our advisors is AWOL. Got a call around 8:20am from the client he was supposed to see at 8:00am, and she was –pissed-. His cell is turned off and the mailbox is full, and we haven’t got any other number for him. So your guess is as good as mine. P & I figure he’s hungover. He doesn’t usually have appointments on Friday, but we cleared this with him at the beginning of the week, and emailed him the details as usual. So our reputation goes down one more step.

Today’s my last day. Today’s my last day. Repeating that is how I made it here in the first place this morning, and it shall be my mantra to get me through the day. I still feel bad for ditching when I know the company’s in crisis, but I can’t help under current circumstances anyway. Mostly I feel bad for ditching P, cause I know next week’s going to be a nightmare for her. Still no new receptionist.

Made it to yoga last night. Decidedly sore from it, but that’s a good sign. Means I’m actually working the muscles. It’s hard to believe how inflexible my body really is. I don’t notice it most of the time, but I do in class because though I’m one of the youngest people there, I’m also one of the stiffest. It’s OK though. The teachers at least understand that you have to start from where you are, not from where you’d like to be. I may be starting from farther back than many people, but I figure that as long as I stick with it and keep practicing, I will improve.

I think I should practice at home as much as I want. I’ve been restricting it to every couple of days to let my body recover, but I’m not convinced that’s the best approach. I think I should make it a daily habit, one that I miss if I don’t do. It’s not like I’m going to have any shortage of time over the next couple of weeks. I figure going to class once or twice a week is plenty if I’m practicing regularly at home. And honestly, all the props & silliness at the studio is not my cup of tea. I think the simplicity of having just a mat and your body is one of the most important parts of yoga.

One of the things I really love about yoga is that there’s no opportunity to think about anything else when I’m doing it. I’m completely focused in the present moment and what’s going on with my body in the pose. It’s a wonderful break from the constant stream of worries and problems that usually occupy my mind. It’s no wonder my body’s such a wreck! I’m really working on self-awareness right now, because honestly, I am a mystery to myself most of the time. Maybe it’s all the 12th house stuff floating around in my psyche.

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to borrow a phrase

The long dark tea-time of the soul indeed. Probably not what Douglas Adams meant by the phrase, but I think it applies pretty well to the hour between two and three o’clock when work’s done at five, when the rest of the afternoon stretches interminably on before me. I know all I ever do on this blog is complain, but what else am I supposed to do exactly? I swear, I’m going to be unbearable for everyone else tomorrow. P already said I’m lucky cause I don’t have to come back next week. I hope she has the sense to get out of here soon. I think the grant cancellation I mentioned may be the last straw for her. I wouldn’t blame her for a minute if she walked out.

I need to make it to yoga tonight. It’s been over a week and I’m feeling the lack. That means staying sober tonight after work, because I can’t go there stoned. I could deal with it if I was one of those people who looks the same stoned & sober. I, however, belong to the other group of people, the ones that might as well have “baked” stamped on our foreheads in bright green neon. And I just can’t bear going to the yoga studio while I’m obviously high as a kite. It would be so disrespectful. Not to mention that balance goes to shit in that state. I may just crawl into bed with Brian after work and take a nap until seven or so. Actually, that sounds like a really good idea.

I’m debating whether to return to a nocturnal schedule for my time off. I know I’d enjoy it, and it’d be lovely to spend waking hours with my husband again. The downside is just that most of the jobs I’ll be applying for are daytime hours, so I’d have to wrench myself back onto days when I decide to go back to work.

Oh, who am I kidding? I know I’m going to go straight back to nights within a couple of days. Just watch – the yoga people will start to think I’m an early bird for showing up at their 6:30am classes, when in fact I will have been up all night. That’s what I used to do at the Curves when I lived in New Westminster. Be up all night, show up right at 7am when they opened, work out, come home & shower and then go to bed feeling nicely tired out. Not a bad system actually. I’d be coming home just after Brian gets home from work, and then we’d get to spend the morning together, and then go to bed around two or three in the afternoon.

Man, I need to find a job working nights again. I may try to pick up another night audit position. It’s really not bad work if you’re at a hotel where they let you sit down behind the desk. I just can’t deal with being on my feet all night.

Mercury retrograde is seriously fucking with this office. Considering the boss couldn’t find his own ass with both hands and a map at the best of times, the place really goes nutters when shipments go missing, then get found, then are damaged, etc, etc. Advisors get lost, appointments get missed, cheques goe missing, and the boss is in the middle with his head in his hands, keening softly.

The retrograde’s actually been treating me & Brian fairly well. Reversals of agreements that badly needed to be reversed. I left the job that’s been driving me insane, and Telus actually agreed to pay us back all the money they’d billed us for service & a computer that we never got. How Brian managed that one I do not know, but an unexpected $300 is a nice bonus. Probably getting thrown straight back at the credit card, but that doesn’t hurt. We’re (slowly) paying that down. Little by little, the debt is going away. Now we just have to keep from racking it up again. We do like to go out and enjoy ourselves – a dangerous tendency. We’ve learned about what not to do with credit cards though, and it could be a lot worse.

One more day, one more day. I’ve made it til just after 4pm now. It just remains to keep myself occupied for another hour.

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counting down

Well, today started well.  Set my alarm last night, but neglected to realize my phone was still on vibrate.  My body’s hardwired to wake up at 6:45am now though, so it didn’t screw me over, just made me feel dumb.  Then Brian got off work late on account of the kitchen being on fire (??? – will get full story later), so I didn’t get the car til quarter to eight.  So I was late anyway.  Nobody bugged me about it cause I’m –always- 5 or 10 minutes early.  Seriously, I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve ever been late for work here.  Then 10 minutes into my day I get a call from a lady who’s pissed off at us, convinced we’re a scam, and spent 10 minutes telling me about it.  She also called me a liar.  It was great.  I feel bad for leaving the other staff here to deal with this shit, but I’m quite determined that I can no longer do this.  Made it over the hump.  Only today and tomorrow left, thank heavens.  I’ve never been so close to just hanging up on a client before.

 

Things to do during my time off:

Yoga

Go for walks & draw if it’s nice out

Cook

Clean

Write thank-you letters

Go to the Glenbow Museum

Return library books

Read

Meditate

Play warcraft

Go see the Calgary Symphony

Go to Value Village (need more jeans/other casual pants)

Go to the Bay (time for new bras.  Ugh.  I hate bra-shopping)

Sleep

 

 Eventually I’ll have to start applying for jobs again.  But first I’m going to take some time off and feed my soul.

 

I must say this job has been an extremely valuable learning experience, unpleasant as it may have been.  For example, don’t ever go into business for anything that depends on governments keeping their promises.  We’re not even allowed to annouce to our clients that a particular government program has been put on hold indefinitely.  We weren’t allowed to announce it in the first place, although we were asked to tell our clients about it verbally.  And now that it’s effectively been cancelled we’re not allowed to send out a letter telling people they won’t be getting the money they were led to expect.  So lucky us, we get everybody we’ve told about it for the past nine months calling us up wanting to know where their money is.  Definitely time to get the hell out of dodge, cause I seriously think this company is going down.  I don’t want to be here for the final painful days.

 

There’s no way they’re going to have a new receptionist in time for me to train her before I leave.  They’ll be lucky if they can get somebody to start on Monday.  I’m on the downhill stretch now though, and there ain’t no going back.  The boss still won’t speak to me unless it’s absolutely necessary for work.  I’ve never seen a grown man act quite so much like a 4-year-old before.  Accept the fact that your company is fuckered if it continues as is, and then take steps to change.  Or keep racing in the hamster wheel until you fall over and it crumbles around you.  Which one would you pick?

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arts funding in a federal budget?! holy shit!

“Barack Obama…is the first White House contender to include a far-reaching arts plank in his platform.”

from VoCA’s article, check it out —> http://viewoncanadianart.com/2008/11/05/voca-applaudsobamas-arts-platform/

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angst

I’m pretty sure R knows I’m just going through the motions at this point. I’m here, I’m in my office, I’m looking at my computer and they can hear me typing. Nobody bothers me, and I’m hoping that this trajectory will just continue until Friday afternoon (which is no doubt going to drag like crazy).

Is there a profession that I would actually enjoy working in?

I don’t know.

Accounting’s not bad work. It’s a pain in the ass for sure, but that mostly stems from the people you’re doing it for, not from the work itself as far as I can tell. Unfortunately, that seems to be the case for most professions.

I still think I would be an excellent professional librarian. It’s the educational requirements that kill me. I don’t want to invest 4 years and $60,000 and then find out I hate my job.

I’m angsting a lot these days.

I think first I need to decide what I want to do, and then decide on the best avenue to pursue it. So now the question becomes, given a choice of anything, what do I want to do?

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check it out

www.whitehouse.gov

A government website with actual information on it.  Sweet!

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no show

Wow, still no new receptionist this morning. Somehow I don’t think she’s coming in! And now they’ve waited long enough that their second choices have probably already moved on. I suspect they may not have a new receptionist by the time I leave, which is gonna suck for everyone. Prativa says she’s not coming in on Monday if they haven’t found somebody. I think she’s joking, but there’s a serious undercurrent there and I’m not sure how strong it is.

Brian figures the boss is going to try and talk me into staying longer on account of there being no receptionist to train for the past couple of days. That would make sense, but I think he’s too pissed off at me for that. Plus I think he knows it wouldn’t do him any good. My last day is Friday this week, come hell or high water. It’s a struggle to get up and come here every morning, but it’s only two more shifts after today. If I made it through Minto, I can make it through this. But seriously, I’m hungover, burt out, PMSy and bone-tired. This morning was painful. Unfortuately, intense PMS is not considered a reasonable excuse for missing work. Goddamn patriachy we live in still.

I hauled ass yesterday getting caught up so that I’d have time to train somebody today. Now I am looking around my office wondering what on earth I’m going to do to keep myself busy today. I’m not even going to bother making invoices until 9am, and then make them very very slowly.

They really did take the tarp off of our balcony yesterday! It’s such a massive deck, and the view is incredible. I felt giddy when I went out to look at it last night, just like when we first found out we could move into the place, and we used to sneak in at night to look around. We were so excited! It really is a beautiful apartment, we just haven’t been able to enjoy it cause of the constant construction, and the tarp was already up when we moved in. So after living in the place since November, this is the first time we’ve really been able to enjoy our deck.

The railings are supposed to be going up today, and the scaffolding should be coming down within a week or two. Soon, soon they will be finished our part of the building. We’ll be able to put the BBQ outside, and actually be able to use both it, and the storage closet it’s currently inhabiting. Brian and Cam will be standing outside in the snow, happily cooking up steaks, and ribs, and burgers, and chicken, and veggie skewers, and pretty much anything you can possibly cook on a BBQ. My mouth is watering already.

I need to find a new way to stay occupied. Not even one hour into my work day and I’m bored stupid.

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“Work is the scourge of the drinking classes.”
– Oscar Wilde

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coffee break

Got a text from Brian that the tarp is really truly gone from the balcony & windows. Won’t believe it til I get home and see it for myself though. Too many false alarms on this front. They said it was supposed to be gone by the 15th, so I was figuring it would be at least the end of the month. If it’s actually gone when I drive up tonight it will be the best news I’ve had in months.

Done most of my work for the day, and it’s only 3:20pm. Now I get to stretch out what little I have left, and find things that look like work. Read a Terry Brooks novel over the past couple days, but I don’t want to get into spending tons of cash on eBooks, specially not when I’d get in shit if anybody ever actually caught me reading one while I’m supposedly working. Man, if the boss showed up and said “Please go home, your services are no longer required,” I’d probably give him a hug and walk away whistling.

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